Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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