you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
