I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
