so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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