Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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