i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
There's always time for handjobs
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
