Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
