Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
