these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
