she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
