He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
