She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
