phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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