I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
