This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
