We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My breasts were aching with rage.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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