You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
