im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
