I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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