It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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