Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
