the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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