He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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