my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
