forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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