i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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