advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
