Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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