She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
