I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
