I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
