ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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