My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you're hired as official boob wrangler
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
