Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Did I show you my penis last night?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
