he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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