Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
