i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
