remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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