Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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