Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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