my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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