This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
