i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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