remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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