When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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