Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
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