Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
