I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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