you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
