I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
